My Life As A Dog Trainer: In Memory of Jordan

(Originally published 4/7/07 - this is one of the posts that was accidently deleted. In reading the post I can still feel how guarded and painful it was to write. It was a year in February that we lost Jordan (he died in 2007). Though I wrote this post many months after his passing, it was still hard to do and the pain was still very fresh two months later in April. I had told everyone briefly in a post that he had passed, but that I was not ready to talk about it yet. I had fought so hard to save Jordan, and then had to let him go. I wasn't ready, and I never would be, and I miss him so to this day. I have this same picture beside a candle in my office at home. It is the first thing I see as I enter the room. Love fills my heart when I look at this picture. It still hurts, and I feel cheated that I never got to see his face go gray from old age, and I hate that he EVER felt pain while in my life, but now the sickness and sadness are not my first memory. My memories of Jordan that are more numerous - the happy and tender, sweet and healthy ones are first to flood my mind. There are millions of those, he truly blessed our lives.)

OK, its time to talk about Jordan. The very first time I saw Jordan was at a dog show. He was with someone that I knew (only by name, not a friend, etc) and I knew that the person was not someone I wanted to have a Doberman, in fact I didn't want him to have a fish. I watched Jordan, as our motor homes were not very far from each other, and I saw him hit Jordan with his fist. I saw him abuse him several times. I videotaped the person, told a friend that did know him and after some negotiation convinced the man he didn't need the dog and to give him to rescue. He came to us a few days later in May of 2000, we changed his name, and began changing his life. He was not shut down, but cautious and avoiding what he could. If he was on lead he stayed far away at the end.

One day when I was walking him outside, a few weeks into having him, I went to the mailbox with him. I had gotten a promotional package from a dog food company in the mail and inside was a tennis ball. I offered it to him and he wasn't interested. I spent a while outside with him and the ball and it wasn't too long before he wanted to play. Not only with the ball but with me. It was a big break, and changed everything. I came inside and sat on the floor with him and he came over, curled up in between my legs and tucked his head against my chest. From that day forward and after, that is how Jordan always wanted to be with you, especially me, close, with his head tucked against you and very often his eyes closed. Not many dogs actually are comforted enough to close their eyes.

Jordan decided to trust us 100% that day, and he did the rest of his life. He was an excellent Therapy dog, not only because of how gentle he was, and liked to cuddle, but he was steady, and gave everyone a comforting feeling to have a dog so big and beautiful be with them. His dad was actually a very well known highly ranked, and famous Champion. Jordan would have been as well, if only he had been given a different start. He did always like going with us to shows, and never seemed to let his past bother him.

He never tore up a toy. He loved stuffed animals, sometimes he would find one of Max's lying around that he would pass going outside. When he would come back in he would pick it up and carry it to the doorway, and then drop it. I would pick it up and take it to his room sometimes. He would play with someone else's toys for an hour. He would then tuck it next to his own (he had many of his own) and fall asleep from all the playing.

He never got into an argument, fight, or even once growled or caused another dog to growl at him. He could stick his face over the baby gates at my other dogs and they would greet each other and wiggle all over. He could play with any dog that was with him, and was gentle enough to play and live in the same room as Tippy, who was not as big as his head! He loved wrestling with her, and with Peanut at the same time. He never took one thing off of a shelf or table. He was just so very good.

I loved him. I adored him. He was one dog out of hundreds that I will look for first in Heaven. Have I gotten the idea across? - he meant so much to me and to Brad (our dogs are our family, our life, what we do every day).

Jordan became stricken with a disease that affects Dobermans. It is similar to one that effects Westies, and Bedlingtons too, but just a bit different. There is a human equivalent called Wilson's Disease. His body could not tolerate copper. It would build up into his liver, become toxic and eventually could build up in his brain as well and cause a coma and death. It is called Doberman Copper Toxosis. I wrote two posts about it and you can look for them on this blog. Both are under Doberman Copper Toxosis.

I detailed the information of what we were doing with him in those posts. We had to change his diet, it was very simple and bland. Copper is in everything. We had to only give him distilled water - he hated it, you can't let the water pass through copper piping. We gave him many herbs, and antibiotics. We almost lost the fight one time when he developed horrible swelling in his stomach, known as ascities. He looked like a very pregnant dog. We did things that made the swelling go away and it seemed at that point that we were buying time and we were doing the right things.

He would get slightly jaundice and then after some time in the sun, (he would stand with his face to the sun and eyes closed), he would improve. He was easily chilled and we gave him an electric blanket with a folded comforter on top for him to lie on. He never chewed so I knew it was safe. We did check the warmth all the time to make sure it had not gotten too warm, etc. but it did make him comfortable during winter. We did anything to make his days low stress and comfortable, so his body could concentrate on healing. He got big stuffed animals to lay down with, and animal crackers as treats. They soothed his stomach and were pretty much the only cookie like thing we could give to him. He loved cookies!

One day we noticed the swelling returning and we could not get it to go away as we had before. It swelled slightly over many days and then was very large and uncomfortable. One day when I checked his gums and lips they weren't slightly yellow with pink, they were yellow. I called my vet and begged once more that he give us the medicine most often used for Wilson's Disease, but not for dogs very often - though they do, it helps the body not absorb copper. My vet was not as familiar with the drug, and was hesitant to give it to me. He did, finally. We started the pills on a Thursday. In 24 hours, Jordan's gums were bright pink if not red. We had been told that it would take a long time for the medicine to work, but in one day, his jaundice was gone.

His stomach was still large. We thought it seemed slightly better as days went on, but he developed another problem. His back legs started to swell (edema). One of them was very bad. The edema progressed each day.

As the days went on, we were hopeful. That Sunday, we lost Ruby, (I posted about her a few days ago).

That following Thursday, Jordan had been on the medicine for one week. That night when Brad and I returned home from teaching classes, Jordan was actually moving with more spunk. He had never been draggy up to that point, just slow due to the size of his stomach. But he had always been anxious to go outside. That night he trotted out, instead of walking, and initiated play with Tippy. We were happy, talked about how now maybe our worries could be lifted slightly.

On Friday morning, Brad woke and let the dogs out before I was up. I heard the dogs going out and got up myself. I asked him how Jordan was and he said that Jordan didn't want to go out and he had let him keep lying down, and would let him be last. I went in to see him and he was excited to see me, but his eyes looked like I had never seen them. They looked burdened. They looked like he was tired, worn, and in great pain. I petted him and coaxed him up to go outside. He walked very, very slowly. He fell once on the way back in. I couldn't believe this was happening. Not after the previous night.

We rearranged our schedules, and the Day Care schedule and both of us stayed home with him. His breathing became labored and I made a call to the vet. My regular vet was not in, and the other one I was not comfortable with. This vet does not own a dog, and it is very obvious to me he doesn't feel comfortable around them, I didn't want him to be around Jordan. I decided to call another vet that we knew, and that vet was out of town also. I was then told that the vet was being covered by another one, the one that had treated Ruby. I knew him to be compassionate, and told the girl I wanted an appointment with him for Jordan. Though I told her it was an emergency, we would still have to wait.

We did. As the minutes ticked, as Jordan's breathing became worse, I wasn't sure if he was dying or in horrible, horrible pain. Whatever it was, it was new to us, and new to Jordan and he was frightened. He found great comfort in us lying with him. Brad was on one side and I was on the other and we never took our hands off of him unless one of us had to attend to the phone for work, or to one of the other dogs. We knew we had little time with him.

Jordan always loved baths. He was the one right behind Cocoa to get in the tub, and no one could beat Cocoa to the tub. Brad thought he would like being given a sponge bath, or what we refer to as a "Kitty Bath". We took warm water and gave him a kitty bath. His body relaxed more and he was more comfortable as we massaged him, bathed, and dried him. A few other signs made us know it was time to let Jordan go. He had fought hard, as had we, and it was time to stop, and let him be in peace and without the pain he was now in.

We called the vet's office and told them that we were still coming but our appointment would be different. Then we made an appointment to go to the crematorium again, in less than one week.

Making that phone call to the vet was horrible. I couldn't believe after fighting for so long that I was choosing to end Jordan's life. It went against every cell in my body, and my heart screamed.

We made the back of the van comfortable and nice. We added a few of his toys, bed pillows to put around the edges of the van in case he might want to get up and rearrange himself, and I wanted him safe. I got his collar and lead and asked if he wanted to go for a ride. He was excited and tried the best he could to get up, but we helped, and we put his collar on him. On the way out the door, he slipped and fell, but that was the only time. He walked to the van and we helped him inside. We sat for a few minutes with him with the hatch up as the sun warmed him. He was in pain, but he never cried, not even when he fell. He was in pain, but he was finding pleasure in the sun touching him. I was learning, remembering, trying to hold on to every detail of what I knew would be my last moments with him. I paid attention to everything. His coat, the deep brown of his eyes, and how comforting it was to be with him.

We went to the vet. I drove and Brad stayed with Jordan. The vet let us tell him when we were ready. Brad and I put our hands on him, he tucked his head against my chest, and I whispered into his ear what a very good boy he was, and I tried not to let him know I was crying. I wanted to let him know he made me happy, not sad. I whispered and told him how much I loved him, that he has always been the very best boy. It seemed peaceful as he left. I knew the moment his body relaxed, even before his heart had stopped, that Jordan was gone. I felt it in my soul. My heart ached. We held him and tended to him, one more time.

I picture Jordan, healthy, with Caddie and Ruby. Playing while Max and BoBo watch. It comforts me. I think of them often. I look forward to seeing them once more.